7:00AM 10 Tammuz 5781
20 June 2021
#princesswardiaries
Sunday Morning, Tale as Old as Time
Song early in the Morning:
I wake up to a broken and damaged heart, because I love a ravenous beast, just like our FATHER, he was King of the Jungle and this King was a beast... I love Musab the One whom My Soul Loves, I am crazy about him, but he was a complicated man, who tested me through and through because he is angry with me. I could feel his anger on the one person who had stolen his heart when he used to have all power over it. I could feel that he wanted control over me, he didn't want me to have control over the relationship in anyway, like Christian Grey and his 50 Shades. He was a ruthless man to the world, cold hearted to the women, I thought I was the one who could warm his heart and love him, but until today he still has not let me love him. There was so much hurt in his heart, for people, and he was a wounded damaged man, loving him damaged my own heart too because he doesn't know how to handle a little girl who had been waiting to love a husband that GOD would chose for her. Today, he breaks my heart... and I blame myself because I love him too much. Perhaps my love for him has become a love that's competing with my love for GOD. How could it compete with GOD's when GOD lives inside him? But I will always blame myself for everything wrong happening in the world. And so I don't want GOD to be jealous over my crazy love for him, so I will test my own heart and disappear from him for many days... I felt like he has been playing games with my heart all this time anyway.
I was trying to find the right song that will comfort my hurting heart.... At first I listened to Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love" but I felt that the song was not right to heal my wounded heart because it felt like I was gone bleed to death out of the song "bleeding love" so I didn't listen to it. Songs are my therapy that heal my heart when I begin to release all my hurt to GOD, and I love always crying before HIM because HE is a merciful FATHER that when I cry HE always changes things for me because I am precious to HIM. I wish My husband would learn to treat me the way MY FATHER treats me, but I cannot teach him, he can only learn from being close and one with the FATHER. Finally the song that I was looking for came to me in the Spirit, revealed by GOD Himself was a song that made me understand the depth of this Beast heart who loved Beauty his Belle but he couldn't deal with the love he had in his heart for her.
When GOD gives me these songs to reveal what's really going on inside of a damaged man, I am being comforted and assured because my own hurt will cause me to believe many lies and think bad things about him so that I will stop loving him, but GOD because HE is the Center of our Relationship always explains everything going on Musab's heart because Musab cannot explain himself, he doesn't even understand what's going on with him that's why he don't know how to respond to me. That is why he always tells me I know him better than himself because he doesn't know what's going on inside of him. Of course I'm no genius either who had psychic powers, I had JESUS our KING and Author of our Love Story who wanted us to get married more than me more than him. Every time I am hurting from the man HE had chosen for me, HE always makes things right for him. Musab is a very blessed man because My JESUS loves him so much and would not allow me to runaway away from him. But I want so much to teach him a lesson that he cannot be cold to me anymore, that he doesn't have to test me anymore because if he believed I was chosen by GOD he would not doubt my faithfulness and loyalty to him. I have loved my husband ever since I was 15 that I started praying for him but I have been mistaken to compromise my faith when I was in wrong relationship with wrong men because I just wanted to not feel so alone, I had relationships for the reason of companionship. And it was only when I came to love Musab, did I find out that I never have loved anyone of my boyfriends in the past at all.
I wanted Musab to be my bestfriend, so I was always myself with him, I didn't pretend or held back my sillyness from him, I even let him hack my phone and laptop so he will know everything going on with me, I wanted him to know me and to love me for who I am, good and bad, ugly and beautiful. I wasn't perfect and I want him to know what he is entering into, if he can truly love someone like me. I was always a strong woman, I was never insecure of my face, or of myself because I was loved by GOD. But loving Musab made me insecure when he didn't give me the time that I need to be assured of his love for me, I crumbled from my confidence of being loved by GOD, because the GOD that I love lived inside this man too. Maybe I was wrong to find comfort and assurance from this man, even though he is my husband because even though GOD is inside him, he still has issues that he needed to deal with. Emotional baggage are issues of the heart that hasn't been dealt with the healing touch of GOD. Unhealed pain are deep wounds that hurts the very one who love him more than he loved himself and besides his mother, I am that person. Even though he was not ready for me, I keep pushing myself into him because of love... I was never afraid of what he will do to me because I believe he is a very good man, but only today did I discover the gravity of hurt and damage his own doubts had on me. Did I come in the wrong time to love such a beautiful man? He was a hideous beast that every woman turned away because he didn't let anyone love him, he was ugly to the women who even tried to seduce him, cold hearted even, but all I saw was beauty inside of him. I love him for who he is and especially the scars of his suffering. I loved all of him I wonder if he could love me back just the same??? Because if not, he will only be fighting within himself and will punish me for all the things he couldn't accept of me especially of my past. Right now, I am not sure anymore if he loves me truly because he lies to me... all the time. I want to stop trying to prove my love for him, because GOD knows my heart... I want to give space and time and a lot of it, because he always leaves me alone in the dark, so let's do the same to him, give him a taste of his own medicine... so that he understand he has to stop testing me because he need to trust GOD. I know what he is doing is just getting assurance in the Promise that indeed I am the right woman. This hurts both me and GOD, because this is a lack of trust... and I believe that this is the reason for my pain today. Also he is terrified of being in love, afraid to get his heart broken that is why he is training me to be a tough woman, I long for him everyday but he takes me for granted and keeps my heart burning with eternal flames, when he doesn't give me the time of the day... it hurts me very much. Every story that my heart watched in the movies, had come true for me. He was the Beast and I was the Beauty he loves but he didn't know how to love because he never loved before all of his life, just like his beauty who loved only her Beast...
So I have come to conclude that maybe it is best we will not communicate at all, just like what he planned originally to do with me until August 1, 2021 because it is hard for me to keep up with him when he cannot be with me yet.... it's hard to express with words all the love we have inside for each other. I wanted us to keep communicating until we meet one another so that we would not feel awkward when we do face each other because we somehow know one another already through our online chats. Today the pain that I have now, is making me strong enough to just shut him out of my life for 45 days. I don't want him to have any trace of me and miss me like crazy.... I want him to miss me so bad, he will show up earlier than August 15.
My Dear Loving ABBA,
I don't know what to do, but I give all these things to YOU AVI, HOLY One of ISRAEL, please heal my heart please let me cry today because I have not cried yet and everytime I do not release these heavy burdens, it will make me sick...sick in my spirit, sick in my heart, sick in my body and it will damage me even more. I want to release all my pain to YOU AVI, please have mercy on both Musab and I, we are really having a hard time. Waiting is so painful but I will continue to let YOU hurt me until I am the beauty that this King of mine deserves. I need YOU AVI, help me to keep my eyes on YOU and not on Musab because he is not here yet and I am blindfolded because I can't see him even but he sees everything going on around me. Help me to love him the way YOU did, and not to suffocate him with me. Help me ABBA, to wait even in pain. Please heal my Musab, he is apparently getting sick from the stress and pressures of his work and I know because of the unexpressed emotions and loved he has for his bride. I know how much he needs me now, because I keep longing for him equally and maybe I am more... but it doesn't matter, what matters is he loves me... and will come for me and swiftly take me away and be my home. I am excited for how YOU will bring this wedding about in a very short span of time. Will my parents let me go? I believe they will and I am preparing everything for my departure... Please help me to focus on preparing for my departure Adonai. Please help me to focus... instead of always watching and waiting for Musab. I just need to keep myself busy with preparations so help me GOD.
Ba HaShem YESHUA HaMashiach AMen
Thank YOU AVI for letting me cry today as YOU heal my broken heart when YOU reveal the TRUTH to me about the King who is a Beast that I love with all my heart and soul...
This beast is the only King who can love a complicated Belle such as me... Nobody could love me on earth but you, and I am the only One Belle who is able to love a Beast like you...
The Song of the King: "If I can't love her..."
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape
No comfort, no escape
I see, but deep within is utter blindness
Hopeless
As my dream dies
As the time flies
Love a lost illusion
Helpless
Unforgiven
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion
No beauty could move me
No goodness improve me
No power on earth, if I can't love her
No passion could reach me
No lesson could teach me
How I could have love her and made her love me too
If I can't love her, then who?
Long ago I should have seen
All the things I could have been
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No pain could be deeper
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore, if I can't love her
No spirit could win me
No hope left within me
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free
But it's not to be
If I can't love her
Let the world be done with me.
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