June 25, 2021
16 Tammuz 5781
21:11
I left Musab for 3 days and Nights online because he kept testing me, hurting me with his masks that he put on in a channel that he created for me... because all of the people there seemed to be all him... I couldn't stand the pain of being near him, GOD gave me the grace not to turn on my gadgets my laptop and my MI10 Cellphone for the 3 days and nights. I had to 2 other phones that I can use, that were old so I used them using a new sim card. I was amazed at how I was able to survive 3 days not hearing from him, because I didn't send him anything either so there was no pain to be dealt with because my pain was coming from him not being able to message me all the time that I am missing him and longing for him.
Tonight, I'm feeling the pain of missing him and longing for him again. Wishing I will stop loving him to stop myself from the pain. I just needed to endure 5 more days, I had to fast again from gadgets but I don't think I can do it anymore. The reason why I was able to do what I did was because GOD took my side and gave me strength to stay away from him. I planned to do it for 7 days but as I was listening to his audio book, the LORD didn't let me do it 7 days but 3 days only. Now that I'm back to messaging him, I'm back to more pain and worst than before. I wonder how he is feeling... I guess he is better than me because he has felt more pain in my life than I ever did, this thing was easy for him but this pain and love was driving me insane it almost felt so unhealthy and unholy. Why can't I be okay? Why can't I find my balance? Being away from him made me kill my own heart. But I found ways to survive, I downloaded his audio book and listened to his story narrated by himself. I met with friends, business partners and focused all my attention on working a smooth transition for my departure once we leave Cebu on either August or September. I felt fine for 3 days, today I was ruined! I love him and I'm falling madly in love with him it was driving me insane. I wish I can hit on the breaks. Please GOD, what's happening to me??? This is not good anymore... I've lost myself I can't even balance... I wish to be okay, there is a way to love without being so desperate right??? But GOD was desperate for the love of humans, HE wanted all our hearts, desperate enough to die for us. So I guess I shouldn't condemn myself for feeling such. I didn't want him to think I was low, but I was, I was lowly bent on my knees because of love... before him I will bow before my king, because I can't resist him, he is my king, I love him with all my heart. I love him with all my soul, mind body and spirit. There was no way out. Why did I have to break??? I want him to feel the same way... but he is stronger than me... and it has to be so so that 2 of us can be a strong union in the LORD. A part of me wants to back out from this love, does it have to feel insane and painful like this??? It's so unfamiliar to me this kind of love that I'm walking in, so strong, so painful, I never felt this way before. I just didn't want to love him if he didn't feel the same way about me but I guess he does because GOD is a perfect love story writer. HE will never let me down... never disappoint me even if Musab has... GOD will never let me down...
I cling on to GOD.... FATHER help me make it for another 5 days without Musab... I can't do it without you, only YOU can give me the strength to persevere... I will die and die until I see him one day... I already told our worker in Mandaue to let in it a man with the name of Mosab Yousef, showed him Musab's picture and told him bring him to my office and serve him coffee. But I pray he will come to talk to my family first before talking to me because I wanted him to seek their blessing without me. And then only then have a private word with me maybe in the Mandaue office. I will cry for sure, because I feel so much already for this man in this long distance how much more when we are near.... I can't imagine my face, crying will my best option so that he will understand how much I love him.
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