26 June 2021
17 Tammuz 5781
23:16
I woke up around 6:56 didn't want to rise up because of the pain I felt loving my husband a love that was uncontrollable, wild un-tameable love that I never ever felt with anyone in all my life. I did sleep longer than my usual sleeping hours but too much sleep also meant that I was depressed. A song filled my heart that morning that when I listened to it I added it on my spotify playlist. But when I finally checked my Phone at 8AM, sitting at the Sukkah
or the place I call Veranda in the garden of our house, I was surprised to see his message for me at exactly the time I woke up. I was so surprised and comforted by the pain of longing for him that I cried... coz he wrote to me exactly what I needed to know after all the questions lingering in my mind about him, one thing was all I needed to hear and that he loved me, and he was coming for me and that one day he will silence all my questions with just the look in eyes. Wow! That was so powerful 5 lines from telegram and 1 from Whatsapp plus 3 emoticons actually made my day! It doesn't take a lot to make me happy and my joy was oozing out of me as I wrote on our channel what GOD has been teaching me. I also sang 2 songs for him today.
Can't Stay away from you By Maryiam to Musab Yousef
I practically wrote the whole day and I enjoyed the celebration of our sister's graduation as well! I was going to eat one meal a day starting today but I was too happy to fast and I know my husband didn't want me fasting because he wants me to gain some weight just as I want him to gain weight because our fasting made us really thin. But still I needed to fast because a biblical fast was coming on Sunday tomorrow, I thought it was a Monday! and I usually fast ahead to prepare my body and mind. So I will have to move it to Monday because Sunday is a family day of gathering around the table for meals.
The Writings of our wall:
I have been so troubled lately because of love... The love I have for my husband was out of control, crazy and wild, I could not tame what I felt for my husband, I wanted him, I needed him everyday. But because we are far in distance, I just needed to hear from him everyday. Good morning or Goodnight was all I wanted, but because he was never married before and didn't even have relationships with women before, I was the first woman he had ever had a real relationship with and so I understood why he couldn't understand what I was. To him, I was a very unfamiliar creature. He didn't deal with too many women in his life, the first was his mother then his sisters and probably with classmates, but because he grew up in the muslim culture and way of life where women have no friendship with men unless they are getting married, I can imagine him baffled and puzzled by a creature such as I. And on top of that, I was not the regular woman of the 21st Century. I was an old soul of a woman, who dreamt of True Love's First Kiss, who was a conservative Dalagang Filipina. I was the woman who didn't know how to flirt and who had been waiting for her One True Love to come find her even though I am already 39 years old. I always believed in TRUE LOVE, the kind of LOVE that the world says does not exists. But because I grew up watching Disney Movies, I was a Disney Princess and I believed in all the stories of the movies, I believed them because they were aligned well in my heart. Later in life during my 20's all my beliefs were confirmed in the Written WORD of GOD which is THE BIBLE. Women are hopeless romantics, because they are what GOD created them to be, recorded in the GREAT BOOK OF TRUTH, the first book called GENESIS, women were created to be a helpmate of an Adam - a man. But because of Man's first sin, the purpose became a curse, when Eve was punished to Long for a husband and be ruled by him.
I couldn't write for many days because I was lacking the love that I needed from him. Today, I am able to write again, why? because My husband started to understand the unfamiliar creature that I am - understood my emotional needs and take care of me by saying simply goodnight, I love you because this is what this silly woman needs! The kind of woman written in Genesis that desires and longs for her husband. And look how simple but few words that are honest and precise, that come from the One My Soul loves, have done??? His words this morning I cherished them in my heart because of the affirmation and love that brought tears of joy to my eyes because he said exactly what I didn't even expect to hear! His words have now flowed out of me and have become a thousand of words of love that I write to you now... Therefore, I can only conclude that if a husband can love their wives the way they need to be loved, wives become the best person that they can be in this world, be it a mother, worker, a daughter, a friend and even more so a loving helpmate to her spouse.😍
But my husband because his love language was different than mine, at first he felt helpless because he thought I needed to prove his love by coming to me now but he couldn't come to me yet because of his previous commitments to his job that does not allow him to come to me until the contract ended. I totally understood that, I don't want him to think that I was demanding from him a shorter time. What I needed right now was assurance and consistency in the relationship, what I needed most was words of love everyday because that is my love language, I am loved when the person not just shows me but tells me what I needed to hear - words of affirmation! Why is my language words of affirmation??? Because I grew up the eldest of 5 children, the edlest don't get praised much by our parents because we are expected to do good because we are the eldest. I was have been starving words of affirmation my whole life and only KING JESUS gave me the words that I needed to hear everyday that's why I was able to survive. But my husband didn't understand what I needed because his love language is different plus he is a male creature and I am a female creature, totally a different specie and kind! But I believe marriage should be a lifetime adventure of knowing one another and loving one another by studying what their spouse wants and needs more than just having sex, because love encompasses all 3 aspects of the human being, it is spiritual, emotional and mental (soul) and physical. We ought to work on the first 2 aspects of loving someone because the physical is the easiest aspect, we don't need to even learn how to love someone physically because human instincts tell us how to. It's the spiritual and soul side that needs further research and studies... you study your spouse and love them. Do you know your spouse Love Language??? It's time to discover and enjoy the marriage the way GOD created it to be.
It was yesterday a Friday where I became ruined because I tried to be independent from my husband wanting to unlove him so that I cannot feel the pain of love I was feeling even more pain when I tried to deny who I was. I was a woman in love this is the TRUTH and Love is not always pleasant, it comes with a lot of pain when it is real love. I wanted to escape the pain, who on earth would want to endure pain? No human would because it is natural for humans to want to be happy not sad right? So there I was trying to run away from him because I thought he didn't care about me, he ignores everything I say, he disregards me. But these are all lies that I started hearing from the enemy. I was hurting, the more I listened to the lies... I had no where else to go, I came to the LORD and sought comfort in HIS Word and HIS Word was head on directing at the lies that I have started to meddle with... just as Eve was eating the fruit of the lies from the serpent in the Garden or just as Snow White was deceived by the wicked old witch
How does a husband, keep their wives alive??? By sanctifying her with the WORD.. Husbands love your wives by giving her words of Love, she needs it everyday, she needs to hear you say I love you, than just show her you love her... because women are just like that, silly longing and desiring their husbands' Love be it in words or acts, every wife blossoms when Husbands water them with the Right WORDs, the very WORD of LOVE from GOD.
But wives, don't let the husband do all the work because men are not perfect. When you find yourself facing the black witch tempted to hate your husband and be independent from him, and your husband is not there yet because he is busy working for your family, run to GOD the perfect Husband KING because HE will set things right for you and your husband who cannot speak for you or for himself. That's what I did last night and this was the WORD HE gave me killing all the lies I was being tempted to believe:
What is the WORD GOD spoke to my weak Spirit succumbing to death because of the lies? 1 Timothy 1:4 Have them stop devoting their attention to myths and never-ending genealogies; these divert people to speculating instead of doing God’s work, which requires TRUST.
Ephesians 5 NKJV Marriage—Christ and the Church
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might [g]sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, [h]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
For now everything is still a mystery to me, so many things are hidden from me yet GOD is telling me to TRUST. TRUST HIS WORD it will happen because GOD is TRUSTWORTHY, even if I still have so many questions, like my husband may have, all we can do is TRUST, TRUST the GOD who created us and live each day by faith, because it is faith the justifies the just!
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